It’s 11:41 pm and I’m in the Bellagio drinking high-class liquor with my buddy Tom. The only time that I know is on my wrist as there are no clocks any of the casinos in Vegas. People spend more when they don’t know they’re late. Of coarse, what’s there to be late for in Vegas? I make a point of not drinking at my own casino. I don’t want to be suckered into my own trap.
At 3:28 I decide that I’ve had enough alcohol. I say goodbye to Tom and head home for the night. I am the only owner I know that sleeps in their casino. I’ve dedicated the top four floors of my casino to my office and house. It may not be the best way to use space but I always want to be near my casino incase something happens to it. I don’t know what I would do if I lost it.
My name is Charlie Kane. I was born in 1969 in Springfield, Illinois. My parents were very poor and I had to work my ass off to get to where I am now, the billionaire owner of The Oasis hotel and casino. The Oasis is one of the most profitable hotels on The Strip and my crown jewel. I did cheat a little bit though. Tom and I did some pretty bad stuff to for cash.
Tom Wayne is my best friend and the only one in Las Vegas who I trust. We’ve known each other since we were 10 and were roommates at Harvard. I got business degree and became a casino owner. He got degree in law and became my lawyer.
I awoke the next morning with a hangover. Glancing over at the digital clock beside my bed I discovered that it was around 10:00. I got out of bed, threw on a fresh shirt and a pair of pants and walked down the two flights of stairs to my office I opened the bulletproof door that separated my house and my office. I had this installed after the third time that my business rival, James Ritter, tried to assassinate me.
Ritter and his casino, The Gold Dice, used to practically own Las Vegas until I arrived. Nearly every owner in Vegas owed him a favor and the chief of police was a good friend of his. As soon as my casino hit it big, I paid off the debts of the important people in town. How I got all this money is for only me to know. I assure you, it wasn’t fully legal. As for the chief of police, Tom invented a fake money laundering scam that involved him taking money from the police’s budget. He was stripped of his title as soon as the story hit the presses. I would not live in another man’s city.
It may seem like Tom and I are crooks but we are just playing by the rules. Anyone who goes into Las Vegas and thinking that they are going to make it big by being honest and kindhearted goes out as a radically changed person. Vegas does that to people. It changes them and takes away their innocence. My job is a dangerous one. No one is grateful for you actions; everyone just assumes that they are selfish. People play the game alone. This is why I’m lucky to have Tom. Not only does having a lawyer that you can trust put you way ahead in Vegas but Tom is the best of the best. He can find a loophole in any contract. He is an incredibly valuable helper in my business.
I walked into the office section of my casino. “Morning Eva” I said to my secretary, Eva Cambry, “Any important calls?”. “Yeah, your sister called. She sounded pretty desperate to reach you. She said that the call was urgent and confidential.” “Oh”, I replied “Thanks”.
This didn’t worry me that much. My sister, Andrea Kane has been very anxious ever since she was a child. She usually just needs me to calm her down. Still, I should comfort my sister now rather later. She’s been going through a tough time recently. She has just been married to none other than Ritter’s cousin, Evan Ritter. At first, I thought that this would disastrous but I wasn’t about to stand in the way of Andrea’s happiness. After a while, I got used to them being together.
I dialed up Andrea and she picked up the phone before the first ring even ended. She must have been sitting next to the phone waiting for me to call. “Charlie, is that you? Is this a secure line?”. “Yes it’s me and yes, this is my office line, it’s always confidential. What did you want to talk to me about?”. She was quiet for a moment and then she said, “Evan is dead”.
I was in shock. The things she worries about are usually little nothings. But a dead husband, that is major. I managed to reply, “How did he die?”. “I killed him” she replied faintly. Now I was really surprised. Angela had never hurt a fly in her life. I could barely talk now. “Why?” I whispered.
I think that I may have stuttered but I was not sure. It felt like the room was spinning around me. I had to get my head together. Important people die every day in Las Vegas. I should be okay with murder. I should be able to deal with it as easily as I can tie my shoe. The shock factor of this murder had me unnerved. I got myself together and asked again, this time with more conviction, “Why?”. Angela began to sob. “We had a fight last night. It started off with me just wanting to talk to him but he wouldn’t turn off the T.V. The fight escaladed from there. He started screaming and I started screaming and, before I could react, Evan threw a punch. The next thing that I remember is waking up lying on the floor. I was angry enough to kill Evan so I snuck up behind Evan and stabbed him in the back while he was talking on the phone”. I had heard enough. I interrupted and said, “It’s okay Andrea, Tom and I can cover this up”. “Wait” she said, “You haven’t even heard the worst part yet”. I wondered what on earth could be worse that murder but I didn’t interrupt. It was like taking off a band-aid. The faster she told me, the easier it would be for Andrea. “When I killed him he was on the phone with his cousin, James Ritter, your rival.”
I couldn’t help myself. “Does he know?” I blurted out. She continued as if I had said nothing but got to her point very quickly “Before he died, he managed to whimper into the phone ‘she killed me’. James Ritter called me a moment ago to tell me that I have to give him $5 million a week or he will turn me in. I don’t want to go to jail. I can’t.” I wasn’t about to lose my composure again. I said calmly “It’s okay, Tom and I will sort this out.” “Okay” she said and then hung up.
I hung up the phone and thought about what to do next. The thing to do would be to inform Tom of what had happened. As I reached for your phone to call Tom, it rang. It was Ritter. “How the hell did you get my number?” I asked aggressively. “Tony Mackleroy at the Mirage. Nice fellow, easily bribed though.” “What do you want?” I was angry now. “I just want to in form you on the deal your sister and I have. If she doesn’t pay she will not go to jail, she will die.”. The phone went dead. I decided not to trouble Andrea with this information. It would only make her more worried. I called up Tom and informed him on the situation. “Andrea’s in a tight spot. Until another option pops up the best thing that we can do is to delay. As long as we keep paying Ritter everything should be okay.”. “I wish that there was a better way to do this but I can’t think of anything else”. I was really angry. I could easily pay but by paying Ritter I was letting him win. Tom was calm though. “The only reason he’s blackmailing you sister is to get to you. He wants to take you down by taking all your money slowly and painfully. We won’t allow that. I have a plan. If we steal money from his casino, we can pay him with his own money. We’ll rig a few games and win enough cash to pay Ritter.” This is why Tom is so great. He can take a bad situation and turn it into a good one. I am actually excited to pull off this heist. “Nice plan Tom, but how are we going to cheat at Ritter’s casino?” I inquired. “Meet me at The Gold Dice at 10:00 tonight and I’ll show you.” Tom hung up.
I needed rest after all that had happened. I told Eva a half-truth. I told that I was feeling very tired and that I couldn’t work today. I was too preoccupied to think of a good excuse. Eva would feel a little suspicious but dismiss it as nothing. I always thought that I made a great move hiring Eva. She is incredibly wise and helpful. Her only downfall is that she may be a little too wise. She always seemed like she knew what was going on under my skin. She almost seemed like she could tell what I was thinking.
Eva Cambry had been waiting for a while to get a day of rest without her boss around. While she liked her boss she felt that there was something about that was sort of twisted. She had been snooping around his past for a while but found nothing. In fact, she couldn’t find info about any Charlie Kane before 1989. She found this out many years ago when she was offered the job. She had a habit of doing background checks on her employers. She found a bunch of information about Charlie Kane but none dated before 1989. This did not really bother her; she just thought that it was sort of weird.
Eva didn’t mind at all if Charlie was involved in illegal actions, she was just curious. She decided to dedicate the day to snooping around Charlie’s past. She was looking through. A page of Charlie Kane documents when one caught his eye. “Jake Norgood has officially changed his name to Charlie Kane. This is legally binding and effective immediately. Document posted June 7th 1989”. This was the reason that Eva couldn’t find any info on Charlie. He changed his name. She searched the name Jake Norgood and found many hits. They all said something like “Jake Norgood and Doug Higgert arrested again” or “Down on their luck kids Norgood and Higgert in deep trouble.”. Eva figured that Doug must have been Tom as she had always heard of them growing up together. One thing that bothered Eva was that if Charlie was so down on his luck, how could he get into Harvard let alone pay for it? Also, why did they both change their names? Lastly, since Charlie’s sister has the same last name as him, did she change her name too? There was much more snooping to be done.
It was 9:00 and I was walking into The Gold Dice with Tom. We were in disguise so that no one inside would recognize us. We walked up to the sixth blackjack table from the entrance and sat down. Tom gave a discreet signal to the dealer who responded. Tom bet $5000 dollars. Tom was dealt a king and an 8. The dealer went bust. Tom stood up and motioned for me to follow. We went to the craps tables next. Tom bet another $5000 and threw a 7. Next, tom walked to a high jackpot slots machine. Tom threw away a few away a few dollars before he won the $10000 jackpot. We jumped up and down screaming and looking surprised. After that, we left the casino and went back to my place where Tom explained his tricks.
“Blackjack was easy,” said Tom, “They have 8 crooked dealers working for me. The one you saw today was Jeremy. The symbol is to scratch your nose twice and then twiddle your thumbs. If any of them see that, they’ll throw the next hand. Crap is all hand tricks. While rolling, I switched the casino dice with replica, loaded dice. These dice roll a seven every time. Slots are the most complicated a special coin must be put into the machine that shorts out the circuitry. When the machine reboots, it is set to jackpot. The best part is, as a security measure, the machine ejects your coin to prevent further damage to the machine. I’ve got a team of eight ready to work with us on this, all of them have my utmost trust. You do the math. You plus me plus my team of eight equals 10 people. $5000 from blackjack plus $5000 from craps equals $10000. If you figure that each of us can win 10 times in a week than that’s 10 people times $10000 times 10 wins. That equals $1000000 and if you factor in the occasional slots win your flying high.” I was dumbstruck. How Tom pulled this all this together I cannot fathom. “Thanks for your help Tom.” As he’s leaving he turns and says, “no problem”.
It’s been four weeks since this all started. The plan is going along excellently. Not even a minor hitch. Andrea has recovered from her shock and I think that Ritter is getting frustrated with the ease that she’s paying the money. Furthermore, Tom and I have a plan to make sure Andrea becomes fully safe and Ritter gets what’s coming to him. Yes, everything is falling into place.
James Ritter sat at his desk contemplating what to do. He knew that the payments were not having much effect on Charlie. The most obvious answer to this problem was to raise the payments but wouldn’t it be nice to raise the stakes to prove that he was not bluffing. The best way to do that would be to kidnap Andrea.
A day off is usually a time for relaxation. It is when you can forget all the troubles and hassles that come with work. For Eva Cambry, this day off is the day when she will finally figure out about Charlie Kane’s past. She has gained access to many back issues of the Springfield Post and some government document’s on the regions crime history. What she found out was shocking. In order to get the money for Harvard, Jake Norgood and Doug Higgert robbed a bank. When they were caught, they faked their own deaths. Their parents had all died young and they were the only people there to take care of Jake’s sister Janet. In order to bring her with them, Jake and Doug faked the murder of Janet. They all changed their names and moved to Boston, which is where their existence under their current names began.
That morning I called Andrea to tell her the plan. The phone rang twice before she answered. “Hi Charlie” she said calmly, “What’s the news with Ritter” she asked. “Well we have no real evidence of it but Tom and I think that Ritter is getting frustrated and soon he’ll come after you. That’s why were getting you out of there. I don’t want you be a target.”. She seemed hesitant at first but then asked, “How would you do it. I mean, people don’t just disappear.” On the other side of the phone line I smiled. I don’t know why, I just did. “Janet Norgood ‘just disappeared’ and I have a feeling that she is going to make a sudden re-appearance.” She was shocked at what I was suggesting. “No… You can’t mean… I could never work. We made it look as if I was shot through the head remember.”. “But, you weren’t actually shot through the head. They never found a body. Besides, nobody really knew us and I’m pretty sure that no one gave a damn either. We were just another family from the slums that screwed up and died. If any one asks, tell them that you faked your death because after your brother died, you wanted to start life anew. The reason you came back now is because you wanted to rediscover your roots. I doubt anyone will ask though.” She seemed to be more accepting now. “Okay. I assume you will fake my death again.” “You just leave that to me. Now I have a flight booked on United Air back to Springfield at 5:00. You’ll be on it. Take only your old documents. You still have your old documents right?” “Yes” Andrea replied hazily, “Now I see why Tom told us to keep them. He’s always one step ahead.” “Call me when you’re in Springfield. We’ll keep in touch Janet.” I hung up.
“Andrea’s gone. Did you get the body?”. Tom and I were back at the Bellagio. “Yup”, Tom replied, “This nice lady was stabbed not to far of the strip. Sad story but I threw a couple hundred thousand at the cops and they let me take the body, no questions asked. It looks a lot like Andrea too. Cops are so easy in Vegas.”. I grinned, “You got that right. Did you talk to you friend at the DNA lab?”. I asked “I’ll answer your question with another question: Did you get a hair sample?” “I picked it up just before I came here.”. “Then my scientist friend guarantees that he can transplant the DNA. In a few hours, that dead body’s DNA will officially be that of Andrea Kane.” Phase one of the plan is officially complete.
I decided to organize a dinner with Ritter. He would believe that this was to organize an extremely large cash settlement to end this fighting but its sole purpose was for my own selfish desires. I contacted Tony Mackleroy, the man who gave Ritter my number and told him that he owed me one. He cracked without too much work. The number was (702)963-4986.
Ritter was in his office pacing side to side. He was worried that his whole operation was coming apart at the seams. At first the problem was that Charlie wasn’t having enough trouble paying the blackmail to him and now, the problem is that Andrea Kane, his entire bargaining tool, the on he needed to kidnap, has mysteriously disappeared. Just then, the phone rang, “Hello, James, it’s Charlie.”. This was a big thing for Ritter. Charlie was calling him. If there was any time that he had to act tough, it was now. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Charlie calling me. I must say this is a shock. I didn’t realize that we were on a first name basis. To put it bluntly, what do you want”. “I want to organize a dinner where we can meet to discus this feud of ours. I’m will to offer a you large amount of money to end it.” Now Ritter was intrigued. He was taking the bait. “Say $1 billion and upwards.” “Where shall we meet” Ritter was in! “How about tonight at 9:00 at the Prime Steakhouse in the Bellagio” “I’ll be there”, said Ritter. This was perfect for Ritter. He could take the money and get out when he knew that his plan was going downhill. I was almost too perfect.
I showed up at the Prime Steakhouse half an hour late. The point of this was to get Ritter nervous. When he was nervous he would be more desperate. That was what I wanted. I sat down at our reserved table. He didn’t bother to mention my lateness he jumped straight to the money. “We talked about a large sum of money on the phone.”. I had the greedy fool right where I wanted him. “Yes, we did talk of that money and we will talk of it again after we are done our meal.” The waiting would just make him more desperate. Our meals came and he finished his in a hurry. I slowly finished mine, eyeballing each bite taking time to thoroughly chew each one. I was toying with him. As soon as I finished my steak he jumped right to the money. “$1 billion dollars was the fee we spoke of on the phone, was it not?”. I smiled this was going to be fun. “Oh, did I say $1 billion? I meant to say $1 million. But when I think of it, $1 million seems like a little much don’t you think. I think that about $100000 or better yet $1000 would be fair. Actually, how bout’ I just pay for this meal. Yeah, that seems fair.”. Ritter just stood there in disbelief. His face turned red and finally he said, “I’ll kill your lawyer, I’ll kill your sister, I’ll kill you and I’ll kill everyone else that you have ever cared about you filthy rat of the earth.”. One more thing would put him over the top. Before he could leave the table I said, “Oh, by the way, all the money that Andrea paid you was stolen from your own casino. You’re not up one cent.”. Ritter yelled, slammed his fist down on the table and stormed away. When the waiter came back with the bill. I told him that the knives here were just the ones that I would like for my house. I bought the two knives that Ritter and I used for our steak. That is how I got a knife with Ritter’s fingerprints on it.
That night, Tom and I met outside Andrea’s house in residential Las Vegas. Inside, we planted the body with Andrea’s DNA. We then inserted the knife with Ritter’s fingerprints into the stab wound that initially caused the death of the body. Lastly, we broke the lock on Andrea’s door to show the signs of a break in. The next time I would be here it would be morning and I will be faking surprise at “Andrea’s” death.
Morning came and I went to Andrea’s house to finish off the plan. I saw the broken lock and pretended to panic. I walked inside and gave a fully realistic scream of horror. I then picked up the phone and dialed 911. I told them what happened and who I was and they came rushing over. It’s funny how they responded more to hearing that I was multi-billionaire casino owner than to hearing that a woman was stabbed to death. As soon as the police got to Andrea’s house they started to question me. I told them that all I knew was that this was the way I found the house and that I only had one lead. That is when I pulled out my mobile recording of James Ritter saying, “I’ll kill your lawyer, I’ll kill your sister, I’ll kill you and I’ll kill everyone else that you have ever cared about you filthy rat of the earth.”
Ritter was sitting behind his desk plotting Charlie Kane’s demise when six police officers burst through his door. “Stand up and put your hands behind your head” screamed the lead officer. Ritter obeyed and nervously asked “What did I do officer?”. “You are the lead suspect in the murder of Andrea Kane.” The officer replied. “B-b-but I didn’t do it.” Ritter whimpered. The lead officer began to get angry. He said, “Listen buddy, we have your spoken death threats to Angela Kane, Charlie Kane and Tom Wayne on tape and fingerprints on the murder weapon that are believed to be yours so shut up and come with us.”. It was at that moment that Ritter knew that he had lost. He would do whatever it takes to take Charlie with him.
Another night of drinks at the Bellagio brought even more confidence to Tom and I. I told him about what happened that morning and what the current status with regards to Ritter is. “Ritter is being held in jail until his trial which is in three days. No doubt the fingerprints matched and he will be convicted. There is hard evidence against him. Plus, with you as Andrea’s lawyer it will be hard not to win the case.”. Tom replied positively. “I’ll make sure Ritter goes away for a long time.”. I think that I needed to hear Tom’s reassurance more than anything right now. “I think I’m going to head back to my office now. I have a possible lawsuit on my hands. A man broke his ankle when a slot machine fell on it.”. “I’ll be right there,” said Tom, “I’m just going to finish this drink.” “Okay, I’ll see you in my office”.
Just after Charlie left Tom’s cell rang. “Hello Doug Higgert” The voice said. For the first time in years Tom started to lose his cool. How did this person know his real name? “Who are you?”, he managed to say. “It’s me, Eva, Charlie’s secretary. I’ve been digging into his and your past for a long time now. It wasn’t until this year that I got anywhere. Now I know all about Doug Higgert and Jake Norgood but I still don’t know what shady operations Tom Wayne and Charlie Kane are involved in.” Tom paused for a moment and then answered. “Can I trust you?”. “You’re the big shot lawyer. You decide.”. Tom told Eva about everything that had happened with Ritter. Just as he was closing the story Eva heard a loud bang and the phone line went dead. Tom had been shot.
I dawdled on the way back to my office. I looked into store windows and walked slowly down The Strip from the Bellagio to my casino The Oasis. This was mainly because I didn’t see the point of going through a lawsuit without my lawyer. When I arrived at the Oasis I spent some time in the casino watching people play. I gamble a lot but never at my casino. It seems sort of redundant seeing as whether I win big or lose big I don’t gain or lose any money. Risk is part of the fun of gambling. When I was finally done watching other people throw their money away, I went up to my office
As I opened my office door I felt like something was wrong. The air felt a little chilly and there was an eerie silence. A sharp crack broke the quiet. I quickly spun around and took cover. The bullet hit me in the left arm. This was Ritter’s final stand. He knew he was going down but he wanted to take Charlie Kane with him. I whipped out his own weapon and began to fire into the dark. It was useless but I had to do something. The effort was fruitless. I had guards around my office and I was hoping desperately that they would come to help me but I knew that they were dead. James Ritter does not make mistakes on operations of this magnitude. I gave him time to kill the guards while I was wasting time in the casino. Desperately trying to locate the origin of the bullet that wounded my arm, I tried to remember the sound of the gunshot. Where did it come from? It could have been from behind my desk. The desk was the only hiding spot in my office that I could think of. I began firing at where I knew that his desk was. Again, something seemed wrong. The desk seemed too obvious for Ritter. I decided to try the southwest corner of his office. It was the furthest corner of the office from the door and it seemed like a likely spot for Ritter to be in. I pointed the gun at the corner of the office and pulled the trigger. Instead of the conventional crack of a bullet being fired there was a click. I had no ammo. Now this fight was nothing more than a deadly game of cat and mouse that I was destined to lose. I wouldn’t let it come to that. I would die with honour. I dropped my gun and walked into the open doorway. I stood still; ready to die. The final shot was fired. I just stood there waiting for impact… but there was no impact. Instead, all I heard was the final wail of a pathetic, dieing man. He was not the man; it was Ritter. The light in Charlie’s office turned on to reveal the image in front of him. He saw Ritter’s dead body and Eva Cambry standing over it, a gun in her hand. “How the hell did you two get in here?”, exclaimed Charlie.
“I came in here the same way Ritter came in here. We both crawled in through the air vent.”, said Eva. “How did you know about Ritter” I asked. This was what was really puzzling me. “I’ve been investigating your past, out of curiosity, for quite a while now but to no avail. That is until a few weeks ago when I stumbled upon a document stating your change of name. From here it was easy to link you to Jake Norgood and Tom to Doug Higgins. Earlier this evening I confronted Tom with this information. He told me everything.” I was still confused. “That’s interesting but it doesn’t explain how you knew to come here and stop Ritter.” Eva seemed hesitant “Well…” Eva paused. I was getting impatient. My wounded arm was really beginning to hurt so I skipped the polite formalities. “Out with it!”, I yelled angrily. “Tom got shot.”. “What”, I said. I could not believe what I was hearing. “Tom got shot.”. A bunch questions rose to my mind so I blurted them out, all at once, not waiting for answers. “Where was he when he got shot? Where is he now? Where did he get hit? Is he okay?” Overwhelmed Eva yelled, “I don’t know I only talked to him on a cell phone and I only heard the bullet.” That was when I finally took charge of the situation. I had to stay calm, for Tom’s sake. “Let’s call the Bellagio” I said “That’s where he probably was.”. Sure enough, Tom was shot at the Bellagio. The clerk was kind enough to give us the name of a hospital not to far off The Strip. We rushed there as fast as we could.
When we arrived at the hospital I made sure to cover my wound as to not attract any of the doctors attention. The bullet drove deep but I’d live. Besides I was here for Tom first and me second. We asked one of the interns there if she knew where Tom was. Lucky for us, she did. When we got to Tom’s room Eva let me have a moment with Tom privately. When I first saw Tom, it looked pretty bad there was a big bloody spot in the middle of his gut but when I heard his voice, it didn’t take a doctor to tell me he was going to live. When he saw me a big grin spread across his face. “Hey Charlie. I thought that you might have been dead.”. I laughed. “I could say the same for you buddy. Hey check this out.” I showed him my wound. “We’ve got matching battle scars.”. He laughed too, “You should probably get that checked out. So I take it Ritter got what he deserved?” “Yup” I said. “Eva shot him through the head. You think you can make that legal?”. Tom nodded his head and I called for a doctor. Everything was going to be okay.
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6 comments:
WOW That is amazing
I would read a long novel like this any day
WOW This is professional author worthy.
This is a beautiful piece of writing. Realistic and perfect.
The only improvement is that in a couple of places you could have replaced some names with he in certain places
why isnt it 11:42??
there are belagios in toronto be more descriptive
is his tom or tomas??
why isnt it 3:29??
keep it licor not alcohol
where does he live??
wat a loser he sleeps in a casino
waste of business loosing floors
whats goonna happen adam??
o so ur casino can move and run away??
is ur name charles or charlie??
funny choice of numbers adam
be nore specifac.
wow there adam thats a dollar in the swear jar.
where are u now?
there iws on hotel called the oasis
poor use of metaphor
cheeters never prosper
loser
not trustworthy all in all wat im saying is ur main charcter is kinda harsh man...
harvard, so ur guy was smart, describe his life at harvard adam
if u had a bussiness dergreee why would you become a casino ownreer, you could do better things with an MBA than a casino owner
ur main charcater is a bad role model waking up with a hang over.
evan is dead, im guessintg that is the climax..... ok maybe you could lead mor action up to that because it feels like that came out of no where.... maybe make it a bit longer
and the one other thing.... i know its hard but ur ending is kinda harsh tthere rreally isnt any falling action.... u should make some to make it more affective...
anyways bug bug bug
reid
the stuff at the top is ajoke its actually really good... the stuff on the bottom is your advice
that was decent adam
there are a few common spelling/grammer mistakes but thats fixable
the whole story was ok but the climax really stood out to me
i kno thats supposed to happen but i thought it was very good
kinda long 4 a short story so u may wanna cut it down a bit to prevent the reader like me from gettin bored
al2gether it was pretty good
that was decent adam
there are a few common spelling/grammer mistakes but thats fixable
the whole story was ok but the climax really stood out to me
i kno thats supposed to happen but i thought it was very good
kinda long 4 a short story so u may wanna cut it down a bit to prevent the reader like me from gettin bored
al2gether it was pretty good
hi adam this is Lewis. I think that this is a really cool story and would make a great mystery/adventure novel. During the story, you sometimes changed that name of the characters. For example, sometimes you called Andrea, Angela. You should stay with Andrea. One time you called Doug Higgert Doug Higgins. You have to watch out for that.I also don't really understand how the protagonists parents were very poor and how he could then become a billionaire. Also, every time somebody new talks, there should be a new paragraph. When I read yor story, it was sometimes hard to know who was talking. After you have somebody talking, Sometimes you have a period before the quotations and after the quotations. The period should only be before the quotations. Also, I think that it would be cool to explain how Ritter broke out of jail. You could probably come up with some cool ideas. Lastly, I don't know how Charlie could have not told anyone about his bullet wound. You specifically said how deep the bullet was sooooooo.... ya. I really thought that the plan you wrote out to frame Ritter was something I probaly could never have thought of in my whole life. Great story. This thing has potential to be in the nineties.
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