Wind in hair
Water on my skin
Seemingly endless
One step after another
Must continue
Never stop
Keep Momentum
One step after another
Feet slipping
Shoulders burning
Eyes Watering
One step after another
Heart beating
Friend Helping
Weight lifting
One step after another
Up the hill
Down the rock
Over the roots
One step after another
Determination
Excellence
Courage
One step after another
Be strong
Fight the pain
Embrace the Wilderness
One step after another
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23 comments:
Dont really understand the bugs in teeth part - never happened to me
i dont think there's any air words, and it really explains the trip
"embrace the wilderness" and feet slipping, shoulders burning, eyes watering"
I think this really reflects the trip, it was a brutal trip and you explained it.
Dont understand how bugs were in you r teeth it never happened to me.
We all acomplished alot and you really embraced that
nice
reid
Did noone else get bugs in their teeth?
no sry adam no else got bugs in there teeth
Bugs? I never got them
Cool. Really explained the trip. I liked it a lot.
-Daniel
i remember when you were complaining about "bugs in your teeth" in our a canoe
andrew j
nice but change the line bugs in teeth
wow... 7 posts about "bugs in teeth"
I changed the poem
Hope you guys are happy
wow... 7 posts about "bugs in teeth"
I changed the poem
Hope you guys are happy
nice work adam
I think there are only a few air words. Also i thought the lines were very discriptive. "Eyes watering" "shoulders burning" these put visions in my head I think the one thing you can change is maybe turn this into more of a flowing poam it seem slike a list to me.
reid
WOW 10 POSTS - what reid said - its a list - but air-word free
I think that you made the lines to short some of them are one word, you should fill more stuff with meaning there are lots of air words just there. I think the meaning is good though but talk more about what happend or something that occred is doesnt have to be fisical it could be like a ture feeling.
Avery, Shop.
I liked how your poem described the pain and rigour of Temagami. But it also shows that we all had a mindset to push on through our pain, and to be strong. You could have used a bit more description, like "over the thick roots" or "up the seemingly endless hill". I also suggest that you try to make your lines a small bit longer, I think that the one word lines make the rest of the poem look odd. It is great though, well done. Also, I think that you should make a grand finale line at the end, to give the end more punch rather than just letting the reader hang there.
Good Job
Marshall
P.S. I didn't get bugs in my teeth. Are you nuts?
Marshall
YOU ARE THE LAST ONE TO TALK ABOUT BUGS IN TEETH
ANYONE ELSE WHO MENTIONS THAT WILL BE COVERED WITH RANCID KETCHUP FROM SNACK TRUCK LAST WEEK
I CHANGED THE LINE
GET OVER IT!!!!!
lets get rid of the lists
combine some of the lines to make a MEGA-LINA
I love ketchep and by the way i will probley eat it like all of your lunch
bugs in your teeth your not really a poet
bug
Bugs in teeth.... wow. How'd you get them on a friggin canoe trip. In a canoe. In the water
Grade 8 Poetry Edit Assignment
November 2007
Name: Reid Mattan
Previous version
As the light peaks through dawn, a new day is upon us
more tasks, greater challenges, and lots of rigor
the difficulty strikes us like an arrow in the back
difficulty such as one more portage
carrying that last wannagon till your spine cracks
the last kilometre of canoeing striving, paddling, using all your energy
pushing for that goal of that ever pleasing crackle on the fire
as darkness falls over the lake
the clouds hush
the wind silent
paddling under no light except for the moon and the big dipper
paddling closer and closer
anything is possible
you can do it
Feed back im using
Lewis Glatt SHS 2007 said...
on temagami poem- great job reid i can clearly see what you are trying to say my one suggestion is that you should shorten your lines in the first 2 stanzas like the lines in the last stanza i think that it would be a lot stronger of a poem that way but thats just my opinion
-lewis
-->Pizza DOH<-- said...
Nice, Reid. Great descriptions and content.
My comment here might be harsh.
You're content was great, and I loved it, but probably would not have just by looking at it. Personally, I thought you were telling us about Temagami and then writing the poem. I think the structure was a bit "off" and looked more like a story than a poem. Shorten your lines. It'll simply look better. But the last stanza was good. Also, try and capitalize every word of the first line.
The first advice I’m using is from Lewis…… I’m going to shorten the stanzas in my poem.
Im also going to use Daniel’s advice to make it flow more and im going to add some more words to give it a punch.
Revised temagami poem
The light peaks through dawn
A new day is upon us
More tasks
Greater challenges
Rigor
The difficulty strikes us Like an arrow in the back
Difficulty such as one more portage
Carrying that last wanigan
Until your spine cracks
The pain the feeling runs deep in your bones
why is this paddle so heavy?
What happened to the day light?
The last kilometre
Canoeing
Striving
Paddling
almost there, almost done
Pushing for that goal
Of that ever pleasing crackle on the fire
As darkness falls over the lake
The clouds hush,
The wind silent,
Paddling under no light
Except for the moon and the big dipper
Paddling closer and closer
Anything is possible
You can do it
thx for the help adam
This poem is OLD
Check out the new version of it
Trust me, u will like it better
bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug
DONT REALY GET THE BUGS IN THE TEETH THING!!!! WAT WERE U THINKING
bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug bug
I was bored one morning!! i hoped u saved up some ketchup!!! and this time it may benifit u if u actually hit me and not ur locker!!!!
BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG
patamy the potato BUG
BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG B UG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG BUG
Reid.....
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